I think, every creatives' knees knock under the weight of what I like to think of as 'the great balancing act.' How to stay passionately driven towards ones dreams and goals in the face of exhaustion and other commitments...
I am not a person who can easily engage in cleaning on a whim. I've terrible allergies and I am prone to other breathing issues. Coincidently it is tidying things that allows me to solicit from myself a clear head. As though when I tidy my physical surroundings, I de-clutter my brain; I free it from the mangled mess of confusion I have made for myself with my thoughts, fears or anxiety.
Since realising that cleaning could very well kill me I have had to slow it down quiet a bit and that is not a state of affairs I am keen on. The slow movement makes for feelings of being ever so trapped in a situation of ones own making but I digress...On a humid night, at almost 2AM I am up and I am writing. This list comes to mind: Things I've been putting off because I'm busy and have assignments to do:
Tidying my room, that is, beginning to as I explained above.
Listening to music
Leaving the house
Getting on my knees and saying the long, personal, healing intimate prayer like my soul is crying out to do. (Its likely just me but feel like prayer in that position is reserved forces and I have a bit of a consultation to handle haha)
Feeding my craving for The Word.
Everyday I am so tired and that sense of weariness crosses over from the physical to the emotional and spiritual. Often as I lay in the dark trying to figure out how I'm going to get it all done, my core is saying hey, spare me a glance? Yet I am literally incapable; I am so tired all I can do is beg sleep to take me away quickly.
I am thinking there comes a point when you find out not just that you are growing but how you are growing. Are you growing into the kind of person who revels in the problems day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year? Or are you changing into the kind of person who uses the victory of a previous battle as the insight through which you will march on your next?
Lately I have gone on feeding only commitments. Slowly coming to realise and accept the reality of having to say no not just to outside forces but to the parts of myself that demand too much of me, that cross the line only I know how to find.
Now, at almost 2AM at night I am sitting at my computer in the dark. I have tidied my bed just a little bit. I have a huge assignment due tomorrow that I haven't started yet and am very nervous about but instead I am listening to this song on repeat because it soothes me, because the Korean language soothes me.
This is probably the part where I'd be indulging in a glass of whine but I prefer red anyway and I've only white at my disposal and again I digress. Probably for the best, that lack of wine, that might just be too much after all, sipping wine at 2 in the morning haha.
My lungs are very mad at me for my display of heroism and for their distress so dear dependable body I apologise. The thing is, you cannot just keep going, you cannot tip the scale consistently to one side and neglect the other while sustaining a healthy and happy life. There comes a time when you simply must step outside of your plans for the future and savour the breath you breathe now. You must strike this balance if for no other reason than to remember what you are fighting so hard for and why. The key to this being realised successfully I think is to continue to fight the good fight: be passionate, be committed but learn to lean without tipping over. Learn the art of balance; just when to totter from creative to passionate (or driven to word it better)to commitment to rest.
It is a lesson that, I suspect, I will spend many years of my life perfecting, in this discipline and many others. Ah...the healthy but hard art...of the balancing act...
Now about that prayer....
Peace. Love. Healing.