Wednesday, 18 April 2018

Chapter 31 - The One in which our Hero eats cake, literally and figuratively, and almost cries in public.



It was my birthday yesterday. It was my birthday and everything was slightly askew but I didn't hate it. Much the opposite in fact! It was a work day for me and while I wasn't pleased about that part this is being a grown up. I tried to have a little shindig on Saturday, just with a hand full of people but it failed pretty badly. I gave them little notice and it just didn't work out.

Except it also did.

I sat with two of my favourite friends and we literally just had intellectual conversation for hours and oh, I was so happy.

It was suggested by one of these friends that I try again on my actual birthday and so I did. This time, it worked out the way it was planned to do...except not.

One of my closest friends could not be with me that day even though she had been there Saturday. So it was just me and these boys I watched become men.

My friends have always swayed in the ratio of more boys than girls, ever since I was much younger. Now I have been blessed with more chick friends and I'm grateful for that too. As I stood there with these boys now men, I couldn't help thinking about how blessed I was to have been a part of their lives and have them be a part of my own. I could not help thinking about how very different we all always were but how we made it work and built amazing things together.

I could not help being so very cognizant of the fact that they all put their day aside to be there with me.

I was emotional, so this feeling was heavy enough that I could feel it on my skin like time, running it's fingers up my arm and whispering gratitude into my ear.

They thought I was being my regular over dramatic self. I fear this is the plight of the writer; to think ever deeply and leave friends to shake their heads in amusement and probably concern...Still, I let the gratitude wash over me like the waves near by did not that day.

While we talked Historical inaccuracy, Geography, traditional and modern day piracy and ransoms, while we spoke of the propensity of the reader to holistically trust character point of view and examining that under the microscope of Japanese literature and cinema... I took pictures of them  and remembered fondly the times when we could not imagine a future beyond first loves and first heart breaks and anime and manga arcs and how does one even get a job much less decide on a career path anyway??!

I walked with them and remembered walking paths with them with the sun setting at our side and our biggest cares being how do we get to school tomorrow in our hurricane ravished country? Even though we knew without a doubt with that invisibility of youth we absolutely would do.

My gang of gaming, anime watching, manga reading, electronics enthused, crass and probably a little bit sexist but we're working on it boys who turned into business owning, grant writing, promotion getting, career planning men of substance and intellect. My friends, who contemplated political strategy then between the pages of manga and now between the lines of articles on current affairs. Who changed my world forever then and will go on to change OUR world forever now. My dear friends.

We will change this world so differently, all of us. We will always have sunsets, laughter and literature between us. We will be separated someday and maybe it will be for a short time, or a long time, or forever but most likely never absolutely because nobody can take from us the years we've already shared.

So yesterday on my birthday:

  • I woke up smiling
  • My friend sang to me because she has migrated and I wont dance with her this year at her house this year.
  • I checked the fridge for some cake a friend bought me but someone stole it and I was very very upset.
  • I had to work.
  • My friend cancelled and I was so saddened. 
  • Another friend sang to me.
  • My co-worker bought me 2 chocolate bars because 'I know one is never enough'
  • I walked through the park and thought about how fortunate I am to live in a place this beautiful.
  • I meditated on the beach by myself.
  • I took an almost nap on the beach as I listened to the waves of the Caribbean sea crashing and the birds chirping and I basked in the shade in my own country.
  • I woke up to find two people were already looking for me.
  • I talked with my friends.
  • I listened to my friends.
  • I took pictures of my friends.
  • One of them bought me a chocolate milk shake made with our iconic Grenadian organic, world known chocolate.
  • I thanked my friends for coming.
  • One person brought me coconut water because I love it,
  • One person brought me chocolates because because
  • One person didn't bring me anything in hand but thought of me when he travelled and brought me a gift while he was away working very hard to build his business and tried to include me when he noticed they were talking about something i could not necessarily add to and provided the option of the beach because he knows how I feel about the beach when the others suggested a bench just because he has listened to the words that have come out of my mouth over the years.
  • One person, heard me say three days prior that I hoped to buy a whole cheese cake and just eat it all and get fat for my birthday and be happy, so left our group by himself, went and bought me a whole cheese cake and then bought me a bottle of water because he knows I really really like water and always never have enough in my bag. (what he doesn't know is that that is because I haven't been able to carry things as i used to for medical reasons so it's not by choice)
  • At this point, I almost cried.
  • Another friend sang to me.
  • Another other friend sang to me even though she spent all day in and out of hospital but wanted me to know that she remembered.
  • We ate cheese cake together.
  • An old collage buddy was passing by and gave me a birthday hug because friendship.
  • I saw this remarkable out pouring of love on my social media with thoughtful greetings said to me by people far and wide.
  • Friends who I have not seen or heard from in a long time found me and told me they cared even though they've been so busy lately but they wanted me to know it even if it is through text message.
  • I was surprised by it all, I was grateful, I was appreciative I was truly overwhelmed by all this kindness and at a point in my life when I need it I felt so loved.
  • I went home knowing that we may all never do this again because life changes at the drop of a hat.
  • I had a really happy birthday.
  • I woke up feeling like someone beat me with an old people stick and had to call out from work because my eyes wouldn't work.

I am writing it all down here because I want to never forget.

Peace. Love. Tell Them.

Thursday, 18 January 2018

2018 Reading List




  1. Love, Lies and the List by Kasie West Done, didn't much like it, barely scraped 3 stars
  2. Cruel Prince
  3. The Mortal Instruments Series
  4. The Poet X 
  5. Saints and Misfits
  6. Illumina 3: Obsidio
  7. Iron Gold
  8. Milk and Honey
  9. The Princess Saves Herself in this One
  10.  Restore Me
  11. A Case for Jamie
  12. The Infernal Devices 
 So edit: it's March, crossed out what I've already ready there are a lot more that are on on this list follow me on goodreads to stay up to date. Warning, I am an adult who sometimes reads adult content books.

Saturday, 30 December 2017

2017 Recap: On being the Princess, the Dragon and the Knight and his Horse

Cool picture aboard the Logos Hope

So here is what happened to me in 2017:


I stopped complaining about things I was worried about and started investing my time in activity that could fix it. Which is to say, I stopped saying I cannot cook, started cooking things, got better at it, got bored of it, started saying instead I do not cook, understood the difference and walked away from the experience understanding that I can feed myself and not die of starvation if I ever have to do so but generally, don't like doing it and have no time to waste in this life doing things I don't like doing, if I don't have to do. I did some serious adulting. I worked myself ragged. I was under appreciated for it. I wrote and wrote and wrote and thrived between the pages. I read like my life depended on it because parts of it did. I had a mental health break down of sorts or two or five who's counting? I got the heck outta dodge. My problems followed me because DUH. I let my problems talk shit to me for a long time. I let my problems talk sense to me on in empty train cars when it was just us. I danced! I walked. I trusted myself. I saw that I could. I believed that I could and I did. I got lost in the middle of an unfamiliar big city and freaked out about it. I got unlost and wasn't good to myself about it. I got lost a lot more. I got unlost and triumphed. I had pink hair. I let go.  I was ignored. I cried less. I smiled less too. I worried. I got very sick, a lot. I had surgery but you know that's like every year now and I tried to accept that this is my life now. I drank more water. I loved. I had love taken advantaged, I decided to stop giving away my trust. I didn't get out of bed. I got out of bed. I got really passive aggressive with God. I loved and trusted Him anyway. I got hurt by people who promised they would never do so... on purpose. I changed.  I appreciated leaves and rain and sea. I remembered that I am a boss. I was a boss. I got really sick some more. I got frustrated about it. I got angry at my body. I got angry at my heart. I grieved my past. I grieved my dreamy future. I was gracious with myself. I directed some of that wealth of kindness I had to give inward. I changed some more. I made great strides as a business woman. I did work for my clients and they were satisfied with it. My business grew. I planned. I had plans fail. I had to slow down. I got angry. I got loud. I fought back. I spoke up. I walked away. I appreciated me when others did not. I pin pointed character flaws in myself that though meant for good were miscommunicated. I saved those parts of myself for other parts of my life. I slept. I woke. I kept going. I didn't die. I found new dreams of which to be afraid. I didn't die. I keep going.

It's been a hell of a year but I'm still here.

Hey 2018, here's spit in your eye.
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