Musing Mind :: Dealing With The Pain Of An Indecisive Heart

As I have grown i have come to really resent the statement 'listen to your heart' Do you know how confusing that is? I don't know about you but, especially when you are young, the heart is full of psycho babble!

i have found the heart to be an incredibly indecisive and curious thing, always amused and drawn to multiple forks in the road only to come to them and when you ask it, 'Alright babe, which way do you wanna go? which road do you want?' Like a spoiled child hearts almost always say 'All of them! i want all of them!' or at the VERY least more than one.

And what is curious is that nobody tells you this! All the movies and the songs make it sound easy as if 'Hey girl, simple solution ; just follow your heart duh!'

I can brag about having lived a quarter of a century now and let me tell ya for as long as i have known myself my heart has always been this amazingly spoiled and selfish little tender thing. Always with the i want i want i want....whispering those words in my ear, warming up my blood, making my feet itch to start moving in the direction called forward and when i lean in  close and say 'Yes little one, what is it, what is it that you want? Tell me clearly and i will get it for you.'

It answers 'So many many things...'

and i'm just like sigh....................WTF am i supposed to do with that???! Speak up you little twat! (admit it, talking to your heart nicely takes patients and practice )

It's a good thing i have a brain too...and though it might not be the best brain in all of the universe, it still works for me. Still wants what's best for me. Which is saying a lot because not everybody's brain works like that anymore. My brain still serves to remind me that my heart is forever young and as a result will always need guidance. My heart is only there to suggest to me, to help me feel and know that i have wants.

It's up to me then, to choose one and peruse it. And i will never know which way is truly the right way because this life, is a constant trial and error but I've still gotta keep moving because for me, indecision is painful...

Oh! I ran across this quote:

Quote from: An Abundance of Kathrines by John Green

 So so far i have learned 3 Ways To Deal With The Pain of an Indecisive Heart 

 1. I must keep feeding my heart tastes of the things it wants. One choice at a time.

2. I must try to remember that we are young, if not in body often always in soul and with any luck, we can double back to the ones, the choices, that don't have a short term time stamp on it. So i really have that big scary word called responsibility to choose wisely not erratically and the heart is an erratic thing but it is also passionate and passion is rarely calculated.

3. I should never urge my heart to stop wanting because a heart that is not wanting is not eating, starving, dying. Have you ever felt that numb feeling where your heart does not want anything? When you ask 'What do you want babe?' and the answer is a sulky 'nothing, i do not want, I'm scared to want...i don't like the feelings i get when i want and do not receive, i get angry, lonely, unsure and insecure, let us not want, let us sit still in a state of not want this is safe...' i know i have felt that. So to have a heart that continues to want is a blessing, i promise you.

 Here's hoping i remember them when the going gets tough


How do you deal with an indecisive heart?

Peace. Love. Strategies.

Musing :: NOTD : Classic Fav

Pink used to be my favorite colour. I think it was the longest running, from the age of about 11 to 18-19?

Now Blue is absolutely my favorite. I remember someone asking me a long time ago when i told them 'Which blue?' and i tilted my head to the side and answered thinking 'The colour of the night sky...' Though why do i have to choose? That's another of the things i happen to love about the colour, it comes in SO MANY many shades!

This is one of my favorite nail looks, i re-created it for my birthday (i showed you the other hand last week remember?) i can never get enough of it, it feels so me!Done in Color Club 'Pink In Love' and a random brand called 'Blue My Mind' :)

Peace. Love. Embrace.

Happy Earth Day 2013!

Earth is awesome, I dig it. Call me bias but i think this is the best earth I've ever lived on! So in honor of it, i drew this little sketch:

I think it's important we remember what Mr. Mark Twain says :
'The world owes you nothing, it  was here first.'
Yet this lovely little green and blue planet sustains us anyway!

To find out more on earth day, it's history and significance, click here.

I didn't get a chance to make these this year because well my house is still full of birthday cake so...yeah what say you? Love on our earth a little?

Peace. Love. Environment.

Musing :: Style : Birthday Babe

 Had a little evening get together of my friends on my birthday. Twas lovely.This is what i wore:

It's crazy how things are a changin' Crazy how different i am today from the girl i was at lets say 23 or 25? That wasn't very long ago but the mindset those girls had seems words away. They say that with growth comes wisdom and its one of those things you hear and abstractly believe until you experience it. There is a moment in life when we all feel like we're just faking maturity, you know what i mean? Acting like we were told we're supposed to once we grow past our teens, putting on suits and hairdos and the like that are branded as adult to help us wade through the see of confusing feelings we have carried with us all through out the years, too ashamed to say that they have not shed off with our teens because when we look around us, everyone looks so collected in their heels and ties. Everyone is having babies and getting married and some of us are still wondering why we don't feel like it yet...

I sat at the table of friends that gathered with me that day and noticed all the different faces that were not there a year ago...It didn't make me sad, like it might have a year ago, after all the faces that were missing were not dead. They were off getting bachelor degrees and working the late shift, I didn't resent them for it (heck I'm so proud of my friends!), or time itself, and that's saying a lot because i have always felt resentment for time,. always forging forward, never moving or slowing when i want it to, defiantly...

Instead i felt this resounding sense of gratefulness, for the times i have had with them, the laughs we have shared and the one we've yet to have but will. I was having one of those days were i didn't feel pretty, (which is rare for me but hey I'm human) yet i was even grateful for that, for the realization that i need to be humbled some days.

I've noticed that change of self never happens when we're lookin' all that happens is that we look back and realize that we've left the person we once were behind. I'm trying not to worry though for I know that God and the universe at large are shaping me into an amazing woman and that must be why change is necessary right? When one shapes something you try it one way, contort, bend and even do over sometimes! Only thing is when your human, even if you're bending the soul all that bending can hurt...I do believe some things will never change though, not people but the laughs you have with them, the moments when you felt safe enough to cry in front of them, the trips you planned, the style hints you traded, the future you all hoped for...

Oh and my obsession with trying milkshakes wherever i go, yeah that will probably never change either ;)

Peace. Love. Evolve.

Musing :: NOTD : punk & pink

 Really wanted to show these before they were completely gone, i did them for my birthday, my way of meshing my two favorite styles prep + punk. Was very simple to accomplish with my Color Club Pink - In Love and a black striper.

Too bad it turned into a disaster before i could take the picture! Ah well! More on what i wore and the like in a later post. Meanwhile thank you to those of you who wished me happiness for my birthday, you are appreciated! ♥

Peace. Love. Mix & Match!

Birthday...Cake cake cake cake cake cake ! ♫

That is all. 

I'm exhausted. 

More to come. 

Later. 

Peace. Love. Icing. 

My Birthday Wish List! 2013

Hey everyone, t minus five days to birthday! At my last birthday my sister said to me 'Congratulations you're a quarter century old. Think about what you have done with the first quarter century of your life and  what you want to do with the next' I think that's probably going to stay with my forever that statement. I feel like I'm over the hill! Though i know I am not really. I hear it happens to the extremely driven, ideally would have done and finished so much by this time. That's the way life is though isn't it; you almost never bargain for the experiences you get and sometimes they are ten times worse and sometimes they are ten time more awesome than you have room enough to imagine.

At the end of the day, here we all are. Standing up and hopefully no worse for the ware...

I think the key is to not loose hope, that's what i think. Though, i have always found that hope, is the hardest thing to die, it's one of the things that defines us as humanity, the ability to hope, to dream, the even conceptualize faith!

Anyway, this just got touchy feely real quick! Not even what the post is intended to be about! Below I've compiled my fantasy list of birthday presents. I don't know if this happens to anyone else but people always ask me, what do you want, what do you want? I know what i want but when I'm asked that question my mind goes totally blank and i usually respond with 'um...whatever!' cause i know that i love my loved ones and i will love the mere fact that they thought of me and made a purchase and, even if it takes me 10 years to fall in love with the item, it will only take me two seconds to treasure it forever.

 Most of these I've been lusting after for quite some time but the price tags are scaring my wallet, thus they're on my 'if only' fantasy birthday wishlist! I'm slightly obsessive so i have organized them by category so it's easier for you to come along and be tortured with me:

// Jewelry: TheHipChick Lola James True Love Necklace - $60 // Realized the other day that i pretty much own no necklaces so may actually get this bad boy over here --> 2. Modcloth Myth You Were Here Necklace - $15 // This one is a little more pricey but how elegant is this!! 3. Modcloth An Ornate Fate Collar Necklace - $22 

// To Wear on my Person:  Cuteness overload with these socks that look like shows!! my easily amused self needs you now! 4. Modcloth Day Slipper Socks - $12 //  I think the only kind of cute i could be is cheeky slash with a smirk cute and this  5. Modcloth She's Got Purse-onality Bag - $60 fits the bill for just that heh heh // Oh goodness this is probably the one thing i want most of all 6. Modcloth Cambridge Satchel Upwardly Mobile Satchel om Oxblood - $175 i have been drooling and lusting after it so long! Makes me feel like a writer and university student this one, and is so poshly English vintage! That's the best of my world colliding right there, heck that damn near describes me! For now however, i continue to stalk it like wild prey...fearful of its sharp price tag! // This  13. Modcloth All That and Demure Dress - $190 is the thing i want second the most, of course they're the most expensive on the list, why not kick a girl in the heart :P

// Tardis : 7. Cheers2Geeks Tardis Mug - $12 (sold but here's a pricey alternative you dare devil you) // 8. Tardis Wall Art - $40 because i am an obsessive whovian and oh how extremely happy this would make me ♥♥♥

// Organization :  Sick and tired of accessories tangling and causing broken hooks and sad faces when i need to grab em and head out the door :( This would sure solve that 9. Jewelry Holder - $9 // Nail polish keep 'mysteriously disappearing' and with my sight this set up would just be generally easier to keep track of them, plus I'm just a stickler for organization so..10. Nailpolish Holder - $25

// Art Supplies:  Paint that comes in the form of PENS?! um yes please! 11. Sharpie Paint Markers - // 12. Skin Tone Pencils - $19 Well this speaks for itself really, i love sketching and drawing but i'm not good with paint so mixing the colour palette for skin is not only boring but it does not interest me, i would rather spend my time sketching but i would like to quickly add some colour and sometimes skin tone can make the big difference so yeah these.


Sometimes i wonder why we torture our self window shopping these goodies lol Oh well! All in good fun!

Peace. Love. Celebrate.

Musing :: Mind : Let What You Do Speak For You.

Well my intention was to have another style post after my good Friday one but I'll be honest it was a teaching day for me and i did not have any spear moment to think of anything else but being 'Miss' to a group of Sunday School kids at my church...on Monday (yes i know) Easter Monday is my church's annual women's conference and this year my branch was hosting.

Being the teacher that i am, which means basically you get this little twitch when you're around children and they could be learning but are instead left to idle and feel unimportant, here i find myself, volunteering to teach that day's Sunday School class, filled with children coming to our Sunday school from all over the island...

The beautiful welcome sign was not made by me but by a fellow church mate and teacher. I did have to bring all my own material though as well...how do i put it nicely? We are 'low on resources'  at the church *cough cough*

So what little i had i brought, trouble with bringing your own is they almost certainly get lost, it's just what happens when you work with kids, a forth demention opens up and sucks markers into itself never to be seen again :(

I felt so lucky to find this cheap packet of Easter egg shells (such niceties in this country? My lucky day!!) Though i think it was so because it was brought in by an international shop so yay them!

The students had a grand time, designing what i called 'Billboards of their heart' that displayed good qualities of a child of God they want people to see when they look at them. Later on in the day they presented them to the whole church congregation with shaky voices and nervous hands but they did it and i am so proud of very one of them!! Even better i know that they felt proud of themselves when they got a raving applause!

There was a gal who kept helping two smaller ones that could not read to memorize their sentence  with little to no urging from me. How kind was she to take on her own to do so?!

Then, the creme de la creme, a little girl, just about at my hip in height, pulled at my hem with pleading eyes at the end of our presentation and time together. When i got down close to hear her? She whispered 'Miss thank you for helping me.' and my heart grew ten times its size  of share sweetness!

Where i am from we have this saying that coincidentally i made the sub topic of my lesson that day:

That little girl...such tiny frame...such big character!

 She gives me hope....

Moments like that make me feel i could be a teacher for the rest of my life.

Peace. Love. Discover Strength in Unexpected Places