Musing :: Mind : A Fist Full of Faith

pictured above is a gift I received from anonymous donors, a rosary and a card.

I chimed in on the SheReadsTruth proverbs study very late and I'm sorry I did because it's a cute little short study and reading just one day was so relaxing and worth it.

In the post about adultery they dared to ask the question 'Who is the temptress wooing your heart right now?' and I found myself shamefully considering it because I already know who has been wooing my heart for quite some time now; disbelief.

You see I have entered into a deep partnership with my Lord when I agreed to be a Christian. I promised not just to believe Him but to believe in Him. This year He has gone out of His way, as I suspected He would, to show me that He is present, listening and capable of fulfilling my every need.

But some needs I have still foolishly hidden away. Placed on the floor of my heart, underneath the rug of sorts as though He would not be able to see them and the pain they caused....

Is not this too a form of adultery in the union I have promised to honour? I found myself wondering.

I need to stop saying I believe, I need to admit that I'm hiding away wishes as though they are impossible. Nothing is impossible with God.

So I through it all at the feet of my saviour at a very early point in the year. He challenged me to believe toe to toe with His will. Now believing in His might for others has always been fairly easy for me, I've always had a firm handle on that kind of faith but believing for me?! That's another kettle of fish on a horse of a different colour!

In 2016 I felt like my God was about to show off and He did. He told me He could certainly do it for me too. He told me that not only could he but even though He didn't have to, He would prove it and He did.

So in the first six months of the year, I grasped faith and fear in either hands. I decided to switch up the pressure I usually apply to each and hold faith with a firm hand while I held fear with a loose one.

It was NOT easy.

Often I found faith almost slipped through my fingers,  my fingers grasping on to it as though I fell asleep and almost dropped something very important. Sometimes I found myself squeezing fear in a tight fist until my knuckles and my chest were equally tight and I had to rely on my faith hand to pry it open flat again...

It was a huge learning process, painful and awe inspiring. It was riddled with confusion and blind steps into the notion that God is good whether I get what I want or not because God is sovereign and not a genie. I saw new sides of people who were once generous when I could give back to them, sides cloaked in selfishness and greed that had never been made known to me before. I saw people who I'd never seen before because I had always been able to feed myself, smiling at me now and offering help they couldn't know I needed...

I learned from whence blessings come; a true place of potent love, devoid of recipient. I learned that my past actions of kindness and generosity had not fallen on deaf ears. Suddenly people were reminding me that I was smart, that I was generous, that they believed in me like I believed in my goal....it was...divine and inspiring.

Do not read this and think I take this to mean I will always get what I want. I have gone many years accepting that I would not and could not in my time. I've lost many battles with Him and I'm being honest, I fought Him for it because I wanted those things and I didn't get them...but that is more than okay even though I didn't know it then.

Yeah, that's also easy to say after the fight too.

I've told you that my word for 2016 is victory but the phrase that is written on my heart every time I say or write it is victory in Jesus for only in Him does it come.

In the first six months of this year Jesus has taught me to trust in His all encompassing might while I still stood in the darkness, to open my eyes and receive His glory for me too not just for the people for whom I pray...and that shouldn't be so difficult...but it was one of the hardest things I've done. I placed down my self made amour and put on the armour of Christ. I believed there were steps where I could but see clouds. Then I let that sink in, cried, through a fit, slept it off and believed anyway. I never let my doubt supersede my belief. When everyone asked if? I said absolutely. When everyone asked how? I said God's got it.

I've got two hands, a saviour and and enemy. One fills my hand with faith and hope the other fills my hand with fear and doubt. I have learned that it is up to me which hand I lift to my mouth and feed myself with and which hand I let fall away from my face and lay still in peace.

He is the prince of peace and He grants me shelter therein. I feel like I'm rambling. Am I rambling? Well my point is I'M WENT NOAHCon!!!!!!

More on that very soon.

Peace. Love. A Fist Full of Faith.